Thursday, March 10, 2011


Anyone who knows me well would know that one of my all time favorite films is Kevin Smith's Chasing Amy. Ironically the very first time I saw the film I didn't like it. Perhaps it was due to being raised with a homophobic mindset that I later shed and Chasing Amy was one of the very first gay-friendly films I'd ever seen and at the time I was very much like Banky Edwards (Jason Lee) in the film and I shamefully shared many of the same misguided views on homosexuality that Banky and Holden had in the film. But like the average homophobic male, I still harbored erotic fantasies about lesbians. Somehow to a homophobic straight male the very idea of gay sex between men is repulsive but the idea of gay sex between women is erotic. That being said I had huge celebrity crush on Joey Lauren Adams at the time. That brief topless scene she had in Mallrats is still firmly planted in my spank bank.

Anyway... I've changed... grown... matured a lot since the first time I watched Chasing Amy and today I see it in a completely different light. My favorite character is Hooper X (Dwight Ewell). 

By now you're probably wondering what the hell Chasing Amy has to do with me and introducing myself in my new blog here. It's because even though I'm as straight as uncooked spaghetti, Hooper X is the character I most identify myself with now if you look past the fact that he's gay and black and I'm straight and white. It's due to his worldly yet humorous wisdom on human sexuality but there is one particular quote by Hooper stands out for me more than the rest and it's something I personally feel I can identify with albeit for different reasons than him.

The quote is this:

"Screw that "all for one" shit, alright? I gotta deal with being a minority in a minority of the minority, and nobody's supportin' my ass."

Hooper was referring to the fact that he is black and gay, but for me, I'm deaf and an atheist. Roughly 16% of the US population identifies themselves as atheist, agnostic, nonreligious, or some other similar variation of non-believer, but the number of those that are deaf I imagine that number to be considerably smaller and the number of those who are deaf and female to be even smaller than that.

Yeah, I'm single, surprise fucking surprise, huh?

I've actually given up on romantic relationships and now all I really want is a reliable fuckbuddy who will hook up at least once or twice a week. I had that briefly last summer but she pursued a romantic relationship with another man (since she knew she wasn't gonna get one out of me) and we ended our weekly romps. But if not for that it would have ended eventually anyway for more personal reasons which is a shame really cuz for a 36 year old mother she still had a fantastic body and was a great lay. Seeing her once a week was absolutely cathartic. 

But I haven't always been interested in casual sex. It's only been a bit over a year since I gave up on romantic relationships. It came down to the last 2 romantic interests in my life. The 1st one was my high school sweetheart and mother of my son. There's a long 15+ years story in there I won't get into here but she was my first love and we got back together 10 years later. She divorced her husband to pursue a relationship with me again and in the end it didn't work out for a few different reasons but the biggest one being our religious differences, she simply could not handle the fact that I was an atheist and that the chances of me ever being a religious believer again is extremely unlikely. Jimmy Hoffa's corpse will be found before I find God again. 

Love was not the problem. We loved each other quite a bit and the relationship was great. We got along incredibly and our sex life was insatiable. 

Losing her had me revising my romantic profile. I realized that a relationship with someone who is religious is just not going to work... even if a religious woman were to just agree to disagree with me personally the question would come up about how we'd raise our children... a lot of atheists in relationships with religious people concede and allow their partners to indoctrinate their children with religious bullshit to keep the peace in the relationship and hope that their own influence will eventually steer them out of the indoctrination when they start to think more critically and rationally. This is simply not something I'm okay with although I was going to do just that with my son's mother had we stayed together because I loved her enough to make her happy even tho the idea of poisoning my children's minds with religious bullshit is absolutely repulsive to me.

So my point here is that I realized that I simply would not mix well with someone who desires to infect their entire lives and family with supernatural delusions. Which brings me to the fact mentioned a few paragraphs above here... shortage of deaf atheist women. I can name 2 who are non-believers and only one of those 2 I know personally. She's someone I'd definitely consider hooking up with, but unfortunately she doesn't feel the same way about me. The relationship probably wouldn't work anyway because we're very different in other areas that would affect us. But it's a shame cuz she's one of the sweetest people I know and she's also a very attractive woman. The other one is someone I met online fairly recently whom I don't really know all that well but she shares my view on preferring a good fuckbuddy over a romantic relationship. And since she's an online friend who lives a couple states away she wouldn't be a very convenient fuckbuddy even if we had a mutual physical attraction.

This left me with deciding to prefer a deaf atheist woman if I could find one, but baring that I'd be happy with an atheist woman with normal hearing who shared much in common with me and I found someone online who fit that description and our interest in each other was mutual. To my surprise we had just about everything in common with each other. The only issues I had with her was she was a fairly heavy drinker and a smoker, but she told me she wanted to quit both so I was willing to give it a shot. 

When I develop a romantic interest in a woman it develops quickly. I don't fuck around and I don't really see any reason to take things slow when both partners seem equally enthusiastic. But I was emotionally overwhelmed with how much I shared in common with this woman that when I let myself go things moved faster for me than usual. She seemed genuinely interested in the same things I wanted and we shared so much in common it was uncanny. I joked with her that she was a younger, hotter, female version of me. She was a bit emotionally insecure tho. At the time she was living with a guy she had moved in with that she had romantic feelings for and she thought he felt the same way about her but when she moved in it turned out he just wanted a fuckbuddy. So she was understandably afraid that I could possibly end up being the same way with her. So her vulnerability and insecurity about that actually fueled my romantic interest in her. I tried to assure her that I loved her and truly wanted a relationship with her and not just a regular piece of ass. I loved her enough to really want to make her feel comfortable and secure with me. 

Unfortunately it had the opposite effect. Apparently my attention was overwhelming and she felt that things were moving too fast. At the same time she developed a mutual interest with another man whom she assured me was just a friend but she was raving with excitement about meeting him in a month after blowing off a plan to meet me. At the time I was saving up money for a new TV and was willing to sacrifice that money to help her finance her trip to visit me but she changed her mind about coming. So this attention this other guy was getting from her was painful but I tried to trust that she was truly still interested in me. In fact she even told me in the middle of all this that she really wanted to be with me. So it was all confusing with the mixed signals I was getting from her then shortly after that she told me she was turned off by how fast I moved with her and she was no longer interested.

So these 2 women each had qualities that represented the perfect woman for me... if they were all qualities within a single woman. With one I had a deaf woman that I shared a deep mutual love with but very little in common with. The other one I had nearly everything in common with but love was fleeting. After this I came to the realization that the chances of me finding someone who fills both of those shoes is extremely slim especially at my age where most of the people my age are married or in otherwise committed relationships. So I decided that I was going to stop wasting my life on a pipe dream of foolish romanticism and just live it and enjoy it. So I figured I'd be set if I could just find a decent, reliable, and convenient fuckbuddy. But if I happened to find that and things grew from there and lead to a romantic relationship then I'd go with it, but I've decided to stop actively looking for romantic love. 

But I find it humorously ironic that by dumping me the last woman I was interested in romantically motivated me to become what she feared I would become if she had stayed with me.

This entry has gotten longer than I intended it to be but that's kind of the way I am... I'm extremely expressive in writing. 

I actually have another blog here on Blogger, but it's associated with a Google/Gmail account that I don't use anymore and unfortunately it seems I can't switch emails so I'll be deleting that other account after I notify people of my new blog here. 

1 comment:

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